September 25, 2014... End Of Month Update

Here it is, the last week of September... and here we are.  My blog postings about Roald Dahl books & movies have been put on hold as I try to get a handle on "stuff."

It's weird. Or more accurately, a conundrum, in similar vein as, "What came first, the chicken or the egg?" I'm talking about mental illness.  Here's what I mean.  I love to read.  I have always loved to read, and before I learned to read, I loved being read to.  I also love watching movies.  I love escaping into a good story.  I love sitting back and absorbing a riveting tale.  Anything that makes me laugh, I relish wholeheartedly.  As with engaging discussion or meaningful conversation, reading and movie viewing make my brain happy. Okay, so not as much my brain, but me.  I'm happy when it seems my brain is functioning properly.  My brain has been stuck for a while and now anxiety has set in.  Or did anxiety present itself first?  I don't know.   See... chicken  or egg?

My brain is not at it's optimal functioning mode at the moment; hasn't been for a few weeks now.  "Optimal" being relative due to the fact that chemical imbalances in my brain require taking medication.  Most of the time this medication is effective and efficient.  But there are those times when my brain just does not seem to want to stick with the program. I'm not sure what triggers this; I don't like it.  It makes it difficult to feel comfortable in my own skin.  And how my body presents that is with bouts of depression and anxiety.  That's where I am now.

My blogging has come to a halt, all interest in reading and movie watching has ceased, and my YouTube channel activity is non-existent, no matter how much brainstorming and planning I've done.  The worst part, though, is finding that no matter what I say or do, someone either becomes annoyed or dismissive towards me.  I don't like how I feel when this happens so I start to shut down.

Maybe it's the seasonal change.  But I doubt that because it still seems it's the height of Summer and temperature is still passing the hundred mark.  The calendar might say Autumn, and my entire being might long for an opportunity to enjoy the outdoors, but all I can do is wait. Wait, for the first day that the air conditioner no longer hums all day and night.  Wait, for the first chill in the night's air.  Wait, for a reason to smile.  Wait.

So, until I come out of this self-imposed cocoon state, I'll resign myself to the fact that this is how things are and all I can do is go about day-to-day tasks on automatic pilot, try to fade into the background while doing everything possible not to bother those around me.

Yeah, that's where I am now.

This Is Depression

*Updated*

"Depression lies" ~ Jenny Lawson, The Bloggess

This is depression...

"As I examine the past decade, I just wanted to share something from 2005. It was written in the midst of the lowest of lows for me.  You see, at this point I had been under doctors' care and managing a number of illnesses, including something new called  fibromyalgia, and the awfulness that is depression and bipolar disorder - emphasis on depression. This passage sums up my struggle coping with life on a small Hawaiian island. Some may infer that I was suicidal during this time; however, quite the opposite was true. I was hopeful... certain that this would pass. I took comfort in knowing I shall never sink like that again. I KNOW IN MY SPIRIT, HEART, AND MIND."

MIND STORM

Your embracing arms hold me
Your hand in mine is soothing
You, in mind, comforts me as

Mind’s ills storm body mind and soul

Sudden isolation
Confusion and despair
Anticipating fear

My mind storm is here
You have touched me
You are strong
I reach for you, I trust you

I am frightened by the storm

You are caring
And I care for you too
I welcome you free from harm

To my unimaginable storm

Accept my invitation
You have been here all along
Share this time with me

The storm is still so strong

We all belong here
Goodness abounds
This is how it is: 

I’m alone inside

As the mind storm passes on.
~By Lillian Carilo 2005 ~ Bipolar Disorder

Excerpt from my personal blog post from July 9, 2014 ~ History & The Past

History & The Past

As I examine the past decade, I just wanted to share something from 2005. It was written in the midst of the lowest of lows for me.  You see, at this point I had been under doctors' care and managing a number of illnesses, including something new called  fibromyalgia, and the awfulness that is depression and bipolar disorder - emphasis on depression. This passage sums up my struggle coping with life on a small Hawaiian island. Some may infer that I was suicidal during this time; however, quite the opposite was true. I was hopeful... certain that this would pass. I took comfort in knowing I shall never sink like that again. I KNOW IN MY SPIRIT, HEART, AND MIND.

MIND STORM ~

Your embracing arms hold me

Your hand in mine is soothing

You, in mind, comfort me as 

Mind’s ills storm body mind and soul

Sudden isolation 

Confusion and despair

Anticipating fear

My mind storm is here

You have touched me 

You are strong 

I reach for you,

I trust you

I am frightened by the storm

You are caring

And I care for you too

I welcome you free from harm 

To my unimaginable storm

Accept my invitation 

You have been here all along 

Share this time with me 

The storm is still so strong

We all belong here 

Goodness abounds 

This is how it is: 

I’m alone inside

As the mind storm passes on

By Lillian Carilo 2005 ~ Bipolar Disorder

***

In keeping with this month's theme: Decade...
.

Horse-Drawn Sleigh Ride ~ Colorado 2005

Colorado 2005 was a welcome change. By springtime my family had established a comforting home life, our children eased into a new school and immediately made friends. Our first night in our new home was Halloween night.. Perfect, a great memory of a happy time... costumes, candy! It was a good night. Another highlight was a holiday weekend for families of employees, courtesy of my husband's company. Good times... 

October 2006 brought with it tremendous joy in the shape of a puppy... a Blue Tri-colored beagle. It was love at first sight... 

********

I love today's NaBloPoMo blog prompt: Wednesday, July 9, 2014 , "Do you like to read historical fiction? Tell us about your favourite book not set in the contemporary period."  I love reading historical fiction, it is one of my favorite genres in literature.  One of my all-time favorite books was a gift from my neighbor, Alicia, from the time my family lived in Texas.  At least twice a year - Eastertime and Christmastime - I pick up my tattered paperback copy of Marjorie Holmes, Two From Galilee ~The Story of Mary and Joseph. I enjoy it not for it's religious aspects, but for the budding romance between two quite ordinary individuals, who find themselves under extraordinary circumstances. The story begins with the mundane and leads it's reader from the inconceivable to the miraculous.  I'll hope to find time to read it for the rest of my life. 

***

Until tomorrow ~ Lil

This post is written for Day 9 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge for July 2014 and NaBloPoMo.

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