Saturday, May 28, 2011

May 28th ~ Saturday State of Affairs: Scary

Up at a reasonable hour today considering I headed up to bed a little after midnight exhausted and certain I'd be dead asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.  I was wrong.  Achy all day from Thursday's exciting event, yet still recovering nicely, a long, restful sleep was greatly anticipated.  But, desire for a good night sleep went unheeded... sigh.  I thought for sure, if anything, it would be over-exhaustion that might have given me trouble, but I was wrong - It was my brain.  It was stormy in my head, and I became frightened.  It felt as if each section of my brain had split apart.  It seemed like, with room for movement, those separated sections began to float about in my head.  It felt as those sections moving around aimlessly within my skull were colliding and with each collision an electric spark would ignite.  It made me uncomfortable and scared.  I was frightened.  Frightened by the fact that I've reached a point... the point where it is imperative that I resume medical care and management of medication necessary to restore both mind and body.  I lay in bed stunned and awed - only four months since I had to make the decision to taper off my meds (as cautiously as I possibly could without physician's monitoring) AND for four months I've been doing way better that I would have ever imagined.  So the "shock" and "awe" came, but I can't say with respect to which over the other:  Getting off meds without doctor's care or doing as well as I have been, for this long, off my much needed medication.  So what now?  For now I'll  have to wait.  Wait for us to have an income. Hope.  Hope that with employment, also comes health insurance benefits.  Pray.  I pray it won't be long.

  ~  Funny, realized Carilo was pronounce correctly when R.J.'s name was called to receive his diploma.  Problem was, his advisor fumbled his first and middle names.  I think it's because she knows him as R.J., and when she had to read his actual name her brain was probably thinking "What?  He's called R.J., but his middle name is Scott.  What the heck!"  Ha ha.  That's just what I imagine anyway.

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