FACT: I have no friends. Is that a weird thing to admit? I have no friends... you know, real friends. The kind that call, or text I suppose, to ask if you are free to spend time out shopping or dining out, maybe even go to a concert or participate in a fundraising event like a 5k. Someone to call to check on if they are under the weather and ask if you could help out in anyway... and vis-a-versa. Friends who enjoy your cooking, or who likes having a visit to watch a favorite movie on dvd. There's none of that in my life, and it's been a good long time since I last recall those kind of moments. And, I must admit, I wish this was not the case.
In fact, I really enjoy the company of others, and relish having shared learning experiences in both small and large groups. My problem is that I don't know how to change this; no clue whatsoever. I thought re-connecting with school friends on Facebook would prove helpful, it has not. In the five years I've been on Facebook, I've only visited with a couple of friends, and briefly at that. On Twitter, I thought I was making genuine connections with folks from around the world. That was a false sense of reality. Although, a handful seemed to provide a give and take in support and encouragement, I now believe it was more of expectation - possibly entertainment - as I struggled through hardships that I seemed to easily vent about on Twitter, usually getting tons of positive responses. But that has now pretty much passed and I can't help but sense that my timeline was just a soap opera-type saga that tweeps got wrapped up in. I feel I let them down by persevering rather than getting to witness my life implode.
Of course there's the whole mental illness thing that people feel uncomfortable about, or worse, resistant to accept. People - family & former friends - I actually know believe bipolar disorder can be prayed away or something to that effect... after all, ignorance is bliss, right? Fibromyalgia brings with it an entirely different attitude... can I really be that sick, I look fine on the outside. Oh well, there is nothing I can do to change others perceptions of life as I know it; my invisible illnesses are not conducive to sustained relationships outside immediate family - the ones living under the same roof with me.
Now that I'm fifty, I wonder if all hope is lost that I'll ever establish new, solid friendships. It's been over a year and a half since moving back to this area, and I have only run into one friend from my past here... a former boss. Yet still, this friendship is now reduced to the acquaintance providing my husband's dental care.
Please do not feel sorry for me, I have my kids, dogs and a handful of relatives who love me "just as I am." I guess I send out a certain vibe to potential acquaintances that says, "stay away." That's surprising to me, and I wish I could not be more wrong about that vibe. Maybe things would be different if I were smart, funny thin, pretty, or talented... who knows. At least I have my reliable diversions in blogging, YouTube video viewing and Twitter for some sort of social interaction.
Now, my questions to you: How much do you depend on social media for camaraderie? Does making new friends come easily to you? Any suggestions? Comment below, if the desire strikes. Thanks for visiting my blog and reading this post all the way through.
Until tomorrow ~ Lil
