Very, very Fra-gee-lay. Feels as if all joie de vivre has been lost. Watching some of my favorite movies today has not made a bit of difference in lifting my spirits. It's getting harder to fake being upbeat around the kids too... This is bad.
I hate feeling like crap. I wish I were strong. Not having a clue what to do is bringing me down... way, way down. I'm tired, it's late, and I'll be heading up to bed soon... not fun. Constant worry and fear exhaust me in the worst way, and I'm tired of weeping uncontrollably each night until I fall asleep. Also, I'm not especially fond of waking up because I immediately start getting angry about whatever is bothering me or has disrupted my sleep. Even praying does little help. I need my medicine to be normal again. It's getting harder to force myself to look forward to tomorrow. People tell you, "It will get better." But they don't call or ask how you are while things are bad. It really is lonely at the bottom. Being one of life's losers stinks big time. The worse part is when I call and check in on Mom and have to lie. She's old, so why spoil her idea of whatever she imagines is happening with us. She hears my voice, we still have phone service... So everything must be peachy-keen, right. All I can do is say, "uh huh" and "okay" and "sure." I hate when she asks when we plan to visit. That nearly kills me every time. It's been about five years since I last saw mom. I know how much she misses me - I could feel it through the phone line. Man, that lady loves me.
So, tonight I'll pray that I am able to make it to Sunday mass tomorrow morning and try my best to stop being so disappointed with myself for failing to get to daily mass all last week. It'll make mom happy to hear that I at least made time to go to church on Sunday... After all, she never misses.
Must set the alarm clock now. Good night.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Friday, June 3, 2011
June 3rd ~ Friday State of Our Union Address... Touch and Go
Everyday is touch and go, and not just because for the past few months I've had this arm thingy going on. Been taking walks, drinking lots of water and taking Advil twice a day this week in hopes of seeing a change. Remember, no health insurance and no income means no unnecessary (or necessary) doctor visits. This morning was good... it's always good to wake up without arms having gone numb and tingly while you sleep, right? So I'll keep walking, stay hydrated and keep popping ibuprofen and see if the arm thingy stops for good.
Aside from that, life is still pretty not great. First thing this morning I found out that cell phone provider service was "unavailable." My youngest daughter said she couldn't reach her friend by text to confirm plans to go to neighborhood rec center swimming pool. Of course I suspected the obvious and thought, "Uh oh, didn't schedule payment by phone before cut-off date." I thought for sure my husband would yell at me. But I was ready - as always - to yell back. Also, our quarterly H.O.A. fees were past due and needed to be paid for my daughter to renew her Resident Photo I.D. card that I lost ages ago... so that she would be able to actually get in to community pool. (I expected even louder yelling at this point) These days I'm forced to play a kind of bill paying roulette once a week. I see what finances are looking like and determine which utility bill to pay while also allowing enough funds to be available for food. But, I had just paid the water bill on Wednesday, you see, after getting a "Shut Off" letter, so I was forced to do some quick thinking - keep in mind I already had planned to make electricity bill payment TODAY! Sickening. right? The thing is, I have no defense. I pay the bills. Nobody earns money in this house (my SSDI benefits don't count) and I am somehow still expected to magically pay bills for service providers which are imperative to have available while individuals "search" for work. (I'll fill you in later as to why the quotation marks on the word, search.) Fortunately, I was able to finagle my way around this whole mess without too much of a headache - and more importantly... no yelling. First I checked cash-on-hand, checked calendar for next scheduled unemployment benefits deposit, then took immediate action in hopes that I could save the day. A quick call to Verizon to schedule post-dated payment for next week got cell phone service back up. I also walked in to Rec Center H.O.A. Assessment Office to take care of June fee, but they can't process debit card transactions, so my daughter was issued a guest pass at no charge. Whew! $160.00 saved until next week when I can send an electronic payment. Did I say, "WHEW!" already?
Well, that's how my day started - see what I mean by "not great" - and, I was even able to kind of relax the latter part of the day. Hardly saw my husband, as usual - he only comes downstairs for food. My little girl had fun getting together with her friends. My son and I made a quick grocery run before coming home in time to watch Food Revolution. I had fun sharing funny video clips with my eldest daughter before she went to bed. Even the dogs were good - well behaved, sweet and adorable. So it was an okay day... If only my arms hadn't started feeling fuzzy while typing this just now. BUT the best part of all... No yelling.
Aside from that, life is still pretty not great. First thing this morning I found out that cell phone provider service was "unavailable." My youngest daughter said she couldn't reach her friend by text to confirm plans to go to neighborhood rec center swimming pool. Of course I suspected the obvious and thought, "Uh oh, didn't schedule payment by phone before cut-off date." I thought for sure my husband would yell at me. But I was ready - as always - to yell back. Also, our quarterly H.O.A. fees were past due and needed to be paid for my daughter to renew her Resident Photo I.D. card that I lost ages ago... so that she would be able to actually get in to community pool. (I expected even louder yelling at this point) These days I'm forced to play a kind of bill paying roulette once a week. I see what finances are looking like and determine which utility bill to pay while also allowing enough funds to be available for food. But, I had just paid the water bill on Wednesday, you see, after getting a "Shut Off" letter, so I was forced to do some quick thinking - keep in mind I already had planned to make electricity bill payment TODAY! Sickening. right? The thing is, I have no defense. I pay the bills. Nobody earns money in this house (my SSDI benefits don't count) and I am somehow still expected to magically pay bills for service providers which are imperative to have available while individuals "search" for work. (I'll fill you in later as to why the quotation marks on the word, search.) Fortunately, I was able to finagle my way around this whole mess without too much of a headache - and more importantly... no yelling. First I checked cash-on-hand, checked calendar for next scheduled unemployment benefits deposit, then took immediate action in hopes that I could save the day. A quick call to Verizon to schedule post-dated payment for next week got cell phone service back up. I also walked in to Rec Center H.O.A. Assessment Office to take care of June fee, but they can't process debit card transactions, so my daughter was issued a guest pass at no charge. Whew! $160.00 saved until next week when I can send an electronic payment. Did I say, "WHEW!" already?
Well, that's how my day started - see what I mean by "not great" - and, I was even able to kind of relax the latter part of the day. Hardly saw my husband, as usual - he only comes downstairs for food. My little girl had fun getting together with her friends. My son and I made a quick grocery run before coming home in time to watch Food Revolution. I had fun sharing funny video clips with my eldest daughter before she went to bed. Even the dogs were good - well behaved, sweet and adorable. So it was an okay day... If only my arms hadn't started feeling fuzzy while typing this just now. BUT the best part of all... No yelling.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
June 1st ~ PLEASE BE KIND, DEAR MONTH OF JUNE
And that goes for the rest of you warm weather months: July, August and September. I'm not kidding. As far as I'm concerned, Summer begins as soon as school lets out in this house; One week in and this is what I'm faced with: An unemployed husband, three out of school teens (two of which are expected to actively search for jobs right along with dad), one stinky-breathed beagle suffering from delusions of grandeur & his giant kooky Mexican mutt sidekick, home all day, every day. What shall I do?!? For instance, if I hear a kid whining, I know exactly who is instigating it, or worse, who to blame for antagonizing our otherwise laid-back, easy-going kids... It can be only one person... Good ol' D-A-D. This alone drives me bonkers, so naturally this morning, dealing with a nervous mutt and spoiled beagle both barking their furry little heads off, and I am just about D-O-N-E. UGH! Help me!!
Close to wit's end this early in the game, I thought it might be a good idea to attend Wednesday morning mass at a nearby church. (We never established ourselves at a church since moving here, so going feels kinda weird.) Not wanting Summer days with a full house, coupled with financial struggles and lack of proper medical attention beating me up, I hoped an hour at church - and prayers for divine intervention - would help soothe my soul. I didn't make it.
~ ~ to be continued...
Close to wit's end this early in the game, I thought it might be a good idea to attend Wednesday morning mass at a nearby church. (We never established ourselves at a church since moving here, so going feels kinda weird.) Not wanting Summer days with a full house, coupled with financial struggles and lack of proper medical attention beating me up, I hoped an hour at church - and prayers for divine intervention - would help soothe my soul. I didn't make it.
~ ~ to be continued...
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
May 31st ~ June... is that you? So soon...
I can't believe it. JUNE! Tomorrow is the first day of June - what I have always associated with the first day of Summer. So Summer is HERE! Wait. I thought I didn't like Summer. Hmmmm
Sunday, May 29, 2011
May 29th ~ Sunday State of Mind... to be continued.
Usually, every morning before getting out of bed, I have a pretty good idea what the day's blog post will be about. Actually, I know what I want to write on each of the three blogs I author. But by the time I brush my teeth everything is pretty much out the window. Out the window because there are so many other things which need to be done before I can sit at my computer. So all my ideas and thoughts must wait... to be continued.
Writing ideas become bogged down and drowned out by whatever I must get up and face each day. This morning - every morning - somebody took a flying leap onto the bed. Who was it? This "little" guy:
Writing ideas become bogged down and drowned out by whatever I must get up and face each day. This morning - every morning - somebody took a flying leap onto the bed. Who was it? This "little" guy:
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| SOMBRA ~ Age 1 ~ mexi-dog ~ April 2011 |
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