Tuesday, October 4, 2011

October 4th ~ No Electricity

This is not what you might be thinking if you are an occasional visitor to Peace of Mind.  Oh we have electrical power -  at least for the next few weeks; what I'm talking about from this blog post title is that we've lost "electricity." Me and Rick that is.  How did we make this discovery?  We found this out on the drive home from delivering - what I'm hoping is the last of - documentation for tax preparations for the last couple of years.  I must admit, it is a huge relief knowing that part of our nightmare may finally be put to rest... or at least, put us in position to proceed with filing bankruptcy.  So after sitting with tax guy and going over all the paperwork I spent hours searching for, researching, calling banks and agencies requesting information, he told us it looked like he had everything he needed to start preparing our tax forms; we were there 15 minutes tops.  Rick and I walk out, and as usual he forges ahead of me in his typical frenzied pace, while I gimpily (is that a word?) hobble behind ... the distance between us rapidly increasing.  I had done some housework and showered before we left, so I had been on my feet, and my left ankle that I injured after a recent fall is still a bit swollen, weak and sore; so as I was slowly making my way to the car... down hill... as quick as my injured foot could carry my chubby body, I called out to Rick - number one, to see if he could still hear me considering our distance, and number two, to advise him that I really hoped I didn't stumble and fall, because I wasn't sure he'd stop to help me up.  Well, he in fact could hear me.  He was nice enough to open the car door for me, but I'm pretty sure he held in a chuckle when I let out a squeal from pain as I tried to rush to hop into the passenger seat.

We were in a pretty good mood driving away from H & R Block and agreeing how glad we were that was done, when Rick decides he wants to hold my hand... What?  And we are holding hands at the first intersection we are stopped at...  by the second major crossing I joked, "You're touching me,"  while also thinking "This is weird."  At the third stop, I said out loud, "This is weird, can I have my hand back."  At this point we are both laughing at the silliness - not to mention awkwardness.  Fourth large intersection, my hand's sweating, and I'm saying "How much longer?"  In between all the awkwardness, we reminisced about how we met - blind date, 21 years ago coming up in a couple of weeks... how we were lied to by the people setting us up... Jerks.  

Thoroughly amused by our conversations and dumb hand holding we made it home... but one thing stood out for me... no electricity.  Nothing.  I felt nothing at his touch.  Weird.

Well, at least we laughed the whole way home.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

October 2nd ~ Every Single Day

Every single day, I feel I owe my kids an apology.  I want to apologize for not being more... giving more... doing more.  I've let them down in so many ways, and sit here helpless to make things better.

It's nearly a year that we've all been together as a family here at home... which should feel great.  But, it's also been a year of re-adjustments.  Nothing is "back to normal" since Rick's been home.  After three long, uncertain years at the job that took him out of the country, there was the time he needed to take to settle into family life again, on top of focusing on his job search, as well as, managing  his health issues.  He had just lost his job; depression and high blood pressure were a major concern.  He was treated so unfairly by the company's new owner; I knew he was scared those last days before heading home.  There had been no doubt in his mind they would not honor the contract which he signed when he originally went to work for the company.

During that early phase after he returned from Mexico for good, the kids and I tried our best to go about our days like nothing had changed, except, we had to be on guard.  We never knew what Rick expected of any of us, how he would respond to anything we said or did.  He had brought home his adopted stray puppy; neither Shadow nor I have gotten used to having Sombra around.  We did our best to make the house atmosphere conducive to whatever Rick needed it to be.  But for the most part, he seemed bothered... mostly by me.   It's been a such a long miserable year.  No job yet either.

Nothing's the same.  Now, we all awkwardly gather at the table for dinner; wait for Rick to make an appearance out of his (our) room; look up at him while he hovers over us as he stops at the upstairs landing rail, glaring down, waiting for us to take notice, poised, as if to make some sort of announcement or speech... it makes us very uncomfortable.

Nothing's the same.  It's not the happy, easy-going place it used to be.  It's all my fault.  I don't know how to make it better.  I'm so sorry, kids... I'm sorry I can't make things better.