September 22nd ~ Reality Sucks

Don't know how else to put it... reality really does suck.  Big time.  I'm having a hard time.  Some people would probably say, "Suck it up, Lila." (My family calls me Lee or Lila.)  Some of you might think, "Dear God, will she ever stop with her sob story?"  Some might feel, "Oh, no"  or  "Poor thing."

Whatever.  All I know is that life's inconveniences are becoming more unbearable and harder for me to cope with on a moment-to-moment basis.  It's the non-stop anxiety and jittery feeling that are making today tougher than most other days.  Add uncontrollable tears and I can't stand being in my own skin.  That's where I am now.

I've tried my best to remain neutral when it comes to the edginess that has filled the last couple of days.  I try to compare these feelings to how I might have felt in the past whenever I was anticipating something exciting and good, like a trip to Disneyland.  Yeah, I still feel like that five-year-old little me going to the Happiest Place on Earth all these years later.  (Wow, we haven't been to Disneyland in ages!)

It could also be compared to a severe bipolar episode; depression, anxiety.  Don't know, last time that happened was in Hawaii, and  I was under physicians care; meds managed.  That's a luxury I haven't had for months now.

So, I guess it still takes a lot out of me emotionally.  As much as I wish like crazy it were something good just around the bend, it's more the reality at hand that grips me.  I'm anxious.  We are not prepared.  There are substantial changes coming our way, catching up to us, bringing us down and battering us, and I don't know how to deal with it.  All I can do is wait for it.

What is it? Additional loss of income.  I have no clue what to do now; next week even less of a clue... How on earth will I manage a family of five, two dogs, household utilities, food on $1,200.

I have no expectations for the future.  I do have one hope, that is, when the time comes, after the inevitable pause in Twitter, Facebook and Blogspot activity, I will come back online and find some of my favorite random strangers, lifelong friends, and blog readers, are still around, maybe wondering where I've been; how things are.  I'm not going away just yet, but I do very much miss everybody already.

I just have to keep reminding myself, we are not the only family going through this; others are going through far worse at the moment.  We are not alone.

September 19th ~ Give Up or Get Up

I'm done... given up.  I've given up on hope.  I'm also trying to let go.  Letting go of the whole idea of "God."  (Should I still capitalize the word god?)  I'm done.

Still, I got up. I got up to put a load of laundry in the wash because the kids need clean clothes for school and work.  I got up to empty and refill the dishwasher.  I got up to vacuum the stairs.  I got up for some gum.

I had planned to get up to go to church this morning, maybe stop by the office to ask to talk to someone... I need to talk to someone... then I reminded myself, "That's just crazy talk."  There's nothing anyone can do or say to change things.

I didn't want to get up.  but I did.  Now what?

I guess I'll take a look; see what's available after buying groceries to pay a utility bill or two.

*To be continued