Friday, June 24, 2011

June 24th ~ Friday Financial State of Affairs

Yea!  We have money to keep utilities on for another month.  This is good.  Another good thing (which I am a bit baffled by - not to mention, might be furious about later) is that my husband decided to make his resume view-able on job search engines.  I found this out after a long day out with the kids.  I set out today with this frame of thought:  When Rick worked and lived in Mexico, on days I had to run errands, I always had the kids with me... just in case.  If anything was going to happen to any of us while Rick was thousands of miles away, we preferred that we were all together.  Make sense?  We thought it did.  Anyway, we had a full morning schedule.  Me:  Church, with Sarah; dropping off  Sarah for volunteer tutoring at the library.  Me:  Picking up Emily & R.J. to drive Arj to Barnes & Noble for his first ever job interview (Went well; he felt good about it.  We'll know on Monday.).  Me & Emily:  Taking the vehicle in for oil change that we are finally able to afford ($30 special includes tire rotation), but it turned out I had to reschedule because of back-up at Parts & Service, and I didn't have time to spare.  Eventually, R.J.'s interview over, it was finally time to pick up Sarah at the library.  From there we drove to Denver to take care of kids' banking; Sarah got her own personal checking/debit card account!  (She's very good with her money and I finally re-paid a loan, which she used to open account).  Also, we are hoping her job search efforts pay off and that she's called in for interviews before school starts again.  Having an account available for direct deposits seems reasonable.  Even though it would still leave us vulnerable, having both big kids working would make it easier for them to get along without us.  Sarah has friends family's who could take her in so that her life isn't too disrupted (my darling 4.0 girl), I hope.  And R.J., he's done with high school, so like his mom many moons ago, he can jump right into life and see what happens.  (I wish we knew people to ask if he could rent a room or something.  It's hard not being near family.)  I feel the worst for Emmy, that we have failed her most severely, but she also has dozens of friends who can maybe help in some way or another when the time comes.  I can only pray.

This is the thinking that keeps me up at night.  So when I got home and checked e-mails and discovered a flood of "letters of interest" from various companies throughout the U.S. that Rick had received during our morning out and about, I commented that it was unusual that there was so much interest all of a sudden.  He said he decided to make his resume view-able on job search engines, "Maybe that's why."  So I'm thinking hmmm... had he done this from the get-go, would he have been employed ages ago?  Would we have even gotten near this point?  This horrible, unsettling, spirit crushing point!  I'm not sure he "gets it."  Nope, I'm positive he doesn't get it.  Who is this person, is all I'm wondering.  What happened here?  I blame Mexico relocation experience & U.S. economy.  Oh, and I guess I can't leave out blaming myself; my chronic illnesses and emergency health scares during the past four years, as well as my medication and doctor bills eating up all our money.  Such a waste, I am.

Anyway... not looking forward to this, "Is this the best you can do?" can of worms to be further cracked.

I'm tired.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

June 23rd ~ What A Day!

That's all... what a day.  I liked the idea of making a few changes here and there as Summer 2011 began.  You know, incorporating tiny little changes - hardly noticeable - and see what happens.  Making a couple of major changes a few weeks ago have seemed to get off to a nice and steady start:  Attending week-day church services each morning specifically to create an "I can" attitude and eating healthier because I don't like feeling horribly ill and not being able to do anything about it, like go to emergency room.  On Tuesday, it hit me... the idea that time had come for change.  Real change.  First thing, add music back into my life.  So being first day of Summer, I took a quick mental inventory of favorite summertime tunes.  Smooth by Santana stood out; listened to it several times throughout the day.  Love that song.  I even had my son dig out the one Santana cd I own to have in the car to listen to on my Wednesday morning drive to church.  Next day, I rock n' rolled to church with  music blaring, replaying Game of Love; singing loud and proud.  I felt great.

Now, with my recent weight issue (not to mention breathing, moving, sleeping) I thought I could do better than 1/2 hour evening walks, so I decided to re-visit South Beach to help alleviate concern that I may be well into living with full-blown diabetes.  Back in the day when we had health insurance coverage and proper managed medical care, Autumn (our previous health care provider) told me to do South Beach because I was "this close" to being pre-diabetic.  I stopped to buy the meal plan book on my way back home from the doctor office visit, followed the plan, lost 30lbs and felt like a million bucks after a month.  So Tuesday, I thought what the hell, let's do it!  And, I'm off to a great start.  Weight-scale reads nicely already.  It also helps that funds are available to purchase decent dinner items to prepare.

I was totally appreciating the little spring in my step which developed as a result of these minor changes, but... I forgot... it all catches up with me if I "over-do it."  What constitutes "over-doing it" - nearly anything.  Being sensitive to light, daybreak this morning awoke me at the most undesirable hour:  5:43!  I was awake, but could barely move.  Good thing I was able to fall back to sleep; too deep into sleep, because I missed my alarm to get up in time for church.  So I missed mass for the first time in two and a half weeks - pain and stiffness throughout my body told me it was just not meant to be today.  Good thing though, I was able to go out for a dog food run with my girl and boy and shop for tonight's dinner later in the day.  We listened to my favorite Bridget Jones Diary 1&2 soundtrack tunes and they let me sing at the top of my lungs.  It was good.

Hoping I remember to tone things down a bit tomorrow, so that I don't further tailspin health-wise just because I'm trying to have fun again.  Must keep things in check if change is to be positive... and on-going.  Oh, and the other change I like:  wearing dresses... okay, one dress - the only one that fits... but that'll change too.  Later.

Monday, June 20, 2011

June 20th ~ Uninspired. But something has to change.

Yeah... that's what I need.  Change.  C-H-A-N-G-E.  Change.  Hmmmm   Checked my pockets... 83 cents!  What can 83 cents buy these days?  Anything?  Maybe a piece of chocolate candy!?!  Change is good.

Big change for me this week - in light of probability that I may now have full-blown diabetes:  Food.  Nibbled on a small piece of low-fat cheese when I got home from church.  Scrambled eggs and piece of lean ham for breakfast; coffee.  Snack of small portion of popcorn Sarah leftover, and a yummy passion-lemonade over ice.  It's Monday, so... Day One.  We'll see how this goes.  *Hungry*

Gathering bills this afternoon as funds are expected in mid-week.  I think we will be okay keeping utilities and services open for another month.  Thank God.  Need all methods of communication open and available while job searches continue.  Still no cash available for car payments to be caught up; this will put a major crimp in things.  Oh well.  *Hopeful*

Asking for R.J.'s help with posting of  "R.J.'s Blanket Book" on blog.  Still holding on to dream that it will be published and sold "in stores near you."  *Praying*

Now... back to work!  Laundry, here I come!!


Sunday, June 19, 2011

Father's Day, Huh? I Hope You Weren't Expecting Gifts...

"Happy" doesn't seem conducive to this particular holiday, in my opinion.  Not only do I not need to be reminded that I am the result of rape, from an adulterer, who wanted me aborted,  I also hate admitting that I have such a tremendous amount of resentment that the father of my own children doesn't seem to have it in him to do everything possible to provide and care for his family.  I can only sit in quiet misery wondering, why we are not worth the effort for Rick to do any thing he can to improve our circumstances.  I'm really hating June 19, 2011 Father's Day... idea has sunk to a new low.

to be continued....