Saturday, May 14, 2011
Very shaky; very unstable... very unstable indeed. So it's not the best Saturday ever, so what, how could it be? After all, I did cry myself to sleep last night; also, having no sense of security and getting no encouraging signs that things will get better, together with being completely off medication, has left this writer in a very fragile state. I wish I could run away BUT that would not be possible as I could not do so without bringing the kids and Shadow with me AND there's no money to get us anywhere AND no where to run to. Again, there are many moments when I escape into the fantasy of all I could be doing as the kids bid farewell to another successful school year; celebrating milestones; kicking off Summer break; planning family road trip... It's supposed to be a fun time. Maybe next year. All I can do is feel like something is eating away at me from the inside. I'm alone with my feelings of insecurity and fear of all the uncertainty we are faced with. I have no one to confide in; no one to share this misery with. I'm alone with it. And it is no fun at all.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Emotions are becoming harder to manage these days. While climbing into bed just a couple of nights ago I was feeling pretty confident about having weaned myself down from prescribed dosage of meds without severe adverse reaction. Tapering down could produce major complications, but somehow things seem stable; coping mechanisms holding steady. I was sleeping well, pain free; happy my husband and son have been able to remain on their prescription regimen. Now I'm just hoping I will be able to find an M.D. soon and that my medication will be properly adjusted to achieve best results to treat illness. So what happens that same night? What else... sleep loss due to worry and stress which in turn triggered physical complications. Each day since has become less and less encouraging. With so much reason to celebrate I feel terrible that all I can focus on is our worsening circumstances. I do get caught up in the excitement of another school year ending. There have been SAT, ACT, AP and final exams taken; graduation cap and gown ordered, yearbooks purchased. I'm so proud of my each of my kids' academic achievements. They are such good students. But, lurking in there, among all the good, are those constant thoughts and questions: How much longer before bank takes the house? The SUV? What about our stuff? We have to sell it or start giving it or throwing it all away. We have to make arrangements for someone to take in the girls. Our son is 18; it hurts to think that we'll have to say to him "You are on your own now; you're an adult and need to take care of yourself." I'm so scared. I don't know anyone who's been in similar circumstances. I need to accept the inevitable, no matter how temporary, short or long-lived. What we are experiencing is nothing new or special. It's what happens. It's hard. It's unpleasant. It's devastating. But, it's also been overcome. Better days will be had. Good times will be shared. But still, I am scared.