Sunday, October 16, 2011

October 16th ~ "Peace" and "Tranquility" will have to wait ~ Falling Fading... it's happening... Frightening

I'm really feeling it coming on now.  I hate it.  I fear the unknown.  If I could get as sick as I have been in the past with treatment, I don't want to know how it will be without it.  I'm scared.  I hate my sick, weak brain off medication.  I hate not being able to do anything about it.  There is no "wait it out" with mental illness.  There's only one thing that works... treat; attack.  I'm scared - very scared.  I had to tell Rick, "I'm not feeling well, please lower volume on t.v." he was watching in his room upstairs.  He's not at all emotionally available under normal circumstances - when I'm doing poorly like I am today, his response of "Is there anything else you need?" is just plain awkward.  He has no clue. He's never - in the 20 years we've be going through this - been to my doctor appointments.  All he wants is a wife functional enough to manage the household, if you ask me.

Anyway, it's starting to worry me.  It occurred to me  this afternoon that even if I wanted to reach out to the social worker at the girls school "just to talk," there's no way I could because tomorrow starts Fall Break and the school is closed.  I do need to have a sit down with the kids to prepare them.  I don't think they were aware of how ill I was in Hawaii, although, they must have thought I was doing pretty bad, being as I had to leave the island for medical attention...or else they think I just bailed on them.  No, I'm pretty sure they knew how awful it was leaving them behind and not knowing when we'd be back together again.  Soon, they'll have to know and understand what's happening with mom on a much different level; they are not small children anymore.  Doesn't make it any easier.  I still want to protect them.  I hate my weak, unbalanced brain.

Seems any "Peace" and or "Tranquility" will have to wait.  I'll try to paint as thorough a picture of  my experience suffering with untreated bipolar disorder.  I expect it to be unpleasant as my family makes the transition through the trauma of it all.  I wouldn't be surprised, though, if they all just shrug it off.  It's my deal after all.  It's all me.  I don't think they even get it.  It won't be a surprise if they just ignore the fact that I'll be in "bed" - or more like unable to get out of bed - as everything becomes more and more intrusive; light becomes brighter, noise and movement louder; as my mind and body struggle with the vibration of life going on around me.  I've been at this point before, but never without some sort of prescribed treatment or doctor's care. Reality of "mental illness disability" has hit full force. This is what I wrote after my last ordeal; hoping I'll be able to arrive again someday on the other side of today's reality:


Your embracing arms hold me
Your hand in mine is soothing
You, in mind, comfort me as
Mind’s ills storm body mind and soul

Sudden isolation
Confusion and despair
Anticipating fear
My mind storm is here

You have touched me
You are strong
I reach for you, I trust you
I am frightened by the storm

You are caring
And I care for you
I welcome you free from harm
To my unimaginable storm

Accept my invitation
You have been here all along
Share this time with me
The storm is still so strong

We all belong here
Goodness abounds
This is how it is:
I’m alone inside

As the mind storm passes on

By Lillian Carilo ~ Bipolar Disorder ~ 2005

Pray for us.

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