Sunday, October 2, 2011

October 2nd ~ Every Single Day

Every single day, I feel I owe my kids an apology.  I want to apologize for not being more... giving more... doing more.  I've let them down in so many ways, and sit here helpless to make things better.

It's nearly a year that we've all been together as a family here at home... which should feel great.  But, it's also been a year of re-adjustments.  Nothing is "back to normal" since Rick's been home.  After three long, uncertain years at the job that took him out of the country, there was the time he needed to take to settle into family life again, on top of focusing on his job search, as well as, managing  his health issues.  He had just lost his job; depression and high blood pressure were a major concern.  He was treated so unfairly by the company's new owner; I knew he was scared those last days before heading home.  There had been no doubt in his mind they would not honor the contract which he signed when he originally went to work for the company.

During that early phase after he returned from Mexico for good, the kids and I tried our best to go about our days like nothing had changed, except, we had to be on guard.  We never knew what Rick expected of any of us, how he would respond to anything we said or did.  He had brought home his adopted stray puppy; neither Shadow nor I have gotten used to having Sombra around.  We did our best to make the house atmosphere conducive to whatever Rick needed it to be.  But for the most part, he seemed bothered... mostly by me.   It's been a such a long miserable year.  No job yet either.

Nothing's the same.  Now, we all awkwardly gather at the table for dinner; wait for Rick to make an appearance out of his (our) room; look up at him while he hovers over us as he stops at the upstairs landing rail, glaring down, waiting for us to take notice, poised, as if to make some sort of announcement or speech... it makes us very uncomfortable.

Nothing's the same.  It's not the happy, easy-going place it used to be.  It's all my fault.  I don't know how to make it better.  I'm so sorry, kids... I'm sorry I can't make things better.

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