I'm doing everything possible to keep from breaking down in sobs. I don't need it, anyone around me doesn't need it, the kids - when they come home from school or work - certainly don't need it... But I can't help it. I'm broken and lonely and have nowhere to go with this. Life's a bitch and it's relentless beatings are breaking me. So here I am back at blogging. I need to get stuff out, and apparently, I don't give a damn who stops by to "visit" my shitty, depressing blog. Plus, I think I've stopped giving a damn what people may think of this family's current circumstances.
The day actually started off well enough, woke up with a cold. That's good because all weekend, since hearing about Doug's illness and sudden passing, I had developed a pinching sensation in middle of my upper chest that was getting worse at night. So waking up with a cold was a relief - hoping it was just chest congestion... although, I'm still feeling some tightness. Also, disturbing that I'm trying to convince myself, "It's not a toothache" I've had for over a week... just some sort of mouth irritation - It'll go away in a couple of days, just like this cold, right.......... That's not working
I really don't need health concerns piling up on lack of money concerns. Having a hard enough time navigating through bouts of depression and panic attacks. See, Doug was Rick's former boss, mentor, but most importantly, friend. Hearing he was ill - so severely ill - sent me in a panic for his family. I was hoping they were no longer in our situation: no job, no health insurance. Last I heard, he had started a job with an insurance company (interestingly enough, those are the types of jobs my husband keeps getting emails about). Doug had been out of work as long as Rick, but had tried starting up a company and eventually took the insurance job. I was praying he had insurance coverage and restored finances "in the event." I still don't know what their current circumstances are... praying their burdens were lightened as they face saying goodbye to Doug. He was such a great guy.
So on top of that... the edgy - buzzy - all over sensation I have most of the time lately makes me uncomfortable and scared. You wouldn't get it, so I won't even try explaining it...just another one of those mental illness problems, made worse with worry about stupid stuff only important to me.
Disappointed he didn't try his best to keep this from happening to us. Frustrated I could be of no help in easing burden. I've failed my kids. I can't stand the uncertainty anymore... the not knowing. I need things packed up, cleaned out and him to go wherever he's able to find help taking care of the kids needs. I need to move on to the nothingness of whatever is out there for me. I have no connection to him, he has no obligation to me, my love for my kids only wants for them to have shelter, food and care; for them to understand my not being with them is for the good. I need peace of mind, even if it means living on the street.
Past couple of hours of crying has worn me out. I think I'll try to sleep now.