Friday, May 13, 2011

May 13th ~ Friday State of Our Union Address

Emotions are becoming harder to manage these days.  While climbing into bed just a couple of nights ago I was feeling pretty confident about having weaned myself down from prescribed dosage of meds without severe adverse reaction.  Tapering down could produce major complications, but somehow things seem stable; coping mechanisms holding steady.  I was sleeping well, pain free; happy my husband and son have been able to remain on their prescription regimen.  Now I'm just hoping I will be able to find an M.D. soon and that my medication will be properly adjusted to achieve best results to treat illness.  So what happens that same night?  What else... sleep loss due to worry and stress which in turn triggered physical complications.  Each day since has become less and less encouraging.  With so much reason to celebrate I feel terrible that  all I can focus on is our worsening circumstances.  I do get caught up in the excitement of another school year ending.  There have been SAT, ACT, AP and final exams taken; graduation cap and gown ordered, yearbooks purchased.  I'm so proud of my each of my kids' academic achievements.  They are such good students.  But, lurking in there, among all the good, are those constant thoughts and questions:  How much longer before bank takes the house?  The SUV?  What about our stuff?  We have to sell it or start giving it or throwing it all away.  We have to make arrangements for someone to take in the girls.  Our son is 18; it hurts to think that we'll have to say to him "You are on your own now; you're an adult and need to take care of yourself."  I'm so scared.  I don't know anyone who's been in similar circumstances.  I need to accept the inevitable, no matter how temporary, short or long-lived.   What we are experiencing is nothing new or special.  It's what happens.  It's hard.  It's unpleasant.  It's devastating.  But, it's also been overcome.  Better days will be had.  Good times will be shared.    But still, I am scared.  

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