May 14th ~ Saturday State of Affairs

Very shaky; very unstable... very unstable indeed.  So it's not the best Saturday ever, so what, how could it be?  After all, I did cry myself to sleep last night; also, having no sense of security and getting no encouraging signs that things will get better, together with being completely off medication, has left this writer in a very fragile state.  I wish I could run away BUT that would not be possible as I could not do so without bringing the kids and Shadow with me AND there's no money to get us anywhere AND no where to run to.  Again, there are many moments when I escape into the fantasy of all I could be doing as the kids bid farewell to another successful school year; celebrating milestones; kicking off Summer break; planning family road trip... It's supposed to be a fun time.  Maybe next year.  All I can do is feel like something is eating away at me from the inside.  I'm alone with my feelings of insecurity and fear of all the uncertainty we are faced with.   I have no one to confide in; no one to share this misery with.  I'm alone with it.  And it is no fun at all.