Saturday, June 4, 2011

June 4th ~ Saturday State of Affairs... As they say in Italia, "Fra-gee-lay."...

Very, very Fra-gee-lay.  Feels as if all joie de vivre has been lost.  Watching some of my favorite movies today has not made a bit of difference in lifting my spirits.  It's getting harder to fake being upbeat around the kids too... This is bad.

I hate feeling like crap.  I wish I were strong.  Not having a clue what to do is bringing me down... way, way down.  I'm tired, it's late, and I'll be heading up to bed soon... not fun.  Constant worry and fear exhaust me in the worst way, and I'm tired of weeping uncontrollably each night until I fall asleep.  Also, I'm not especially fond of waking up because I immediately start getting angry about whatever is bothering me or has disrupted my sleep.  Even praying does little help.  I need my medicine to be normal again.  It's getting harder to force myself to look forward to tomorrow.  People tell you, "It will get better."  But they don't call or ask how you are while things are bad.  It really is lonely at the bottom.  Being one of life's losers stinks big time.  The worse part is when I call and check in on Mom and have to lie.  She's old, so why spoil her idea of whatever she imagines is happening with us.  She hears my voice, we still have phone service... So everything must be peachy-keen, right.  All I can do is say, "uh huh" and "okay" and "sure."  I hate when she asks when we plan to visit.  That nearly kills me every time.  It's been about five years since I last saw mom.  I know how much she misses me - I could feel it through the phone line.  Man, that lady loves me.

So, tonight I'll pray that I am able to make it to Sunday mass tomorrow morning and try my best to stop being so disappointed with myself for failing to get to daily mass all last week.  It'll make mom happy to hear that I at least made time to go to church on Sunday... After all, she never misses.

Must set the alarm clock now.  Good night.

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