Thursday, August 25, 2011

August 25th ~ I need to get a life!

Of course, my kids are my life, but they're older now.  They don't need me to help with homework anymore - that ended at 3rd grade levels.  I don't think E ever needed help with homework... or was I just not paying attention.  Hmmmm.

Anyway, I'm just saying things are different.  Or maybe it's my untreated bipolar unstable brain talking.  Actually, I'm surprised I haven't had any severe"zippy" episodes; mostly only low-ish moments more than anything.  I guess, I'm doing a pretty good job keeping things in check being off my meds for so many months now.  Or does it mean that I'm at a stage when medication is no longer necessary.  Wish I could ask Dr. Rewey what his take is on things.  But if Dr. Rewey were still in practice AND I was able to afford ongoing care, I doubt I'd ever be off my meds.  Gotta say, I'm grateful for his care during this whole Colorado experience.  He totally understood "here" just is not the place for me; glad he was there to see me through trauma of both the Hub's lay-offs, but especially him living and working out of the country.  I only saw him four to six times a year, but I miss good ol' Dr. Rewey, he was the closest I got to having a friend here.  Oh well, glad he was my doctor; I miss his nice receptionist too.

Back to what I started with:  I need a life.  Something beyond waking up to do laundry, cook, wash dishes, vacuum, shop for groceries, cook some more, even more dish washing.  Wow!  I don't do sh*t.  No wonder I feel like such a waste of person.  Even those purposeful days of chatting and offering whatever support I could to others tackling new depression diagnoses are gone - never could get back into it after Rick came home for good.  It felt good helping women who were feeling suicidal, get help they needed or encourage them to reach out to their families and friends for help. I miss those days spent supporting moms of special needs kids.   It was wonderful cheering on tired, defeated moms.  It felt good to help them get on the other side of feeling down.  And this "writing" thing, I kid myself.  Nothing will come of it unless I actually go to school and learn how to write.  Right?


I miss having a life.  I guess what I really miss is having friends.  I miss having friendly neighbors to chat with as I rake leaves or to ask if I can pick something up at the market.  I miss being involved in the kids school stuff.  I miss the days of "singing" with church choir, and doing volunteer babysitting during Sunday services.  All that seems so foreign to me now.  Now I'm just dull and boring.  No.  Fat, dull and boring.  Somethings gotta change already.


While on a mad search for 2010 tax documents this week, I found an index card on which I had listed all my previous employer info.  If I'm as bored tomorrow as I was today, I'll do a reverse resume - just for the hell of it.  I could probably use it for when and if I ever take advantage of Social Security BOND program that I enrolled in. I have the opportunity to use BOND benefit offset, meaning, that I could get a job without risk of losing disability benefits.  Haven't set up a meeting yet though because I can't guarantee I'll have gas to get me anywhere; and I suppose wherever "Work Incentives Counseling" provider is, is a distance away. Everything else is.

Anyway... I think I'll do that reverse resume and remind myself that I wasn't the useless blob I am now once upon a time.  Look for it.


  1. Always enjoy reading. I have been in that dark place to and understand how hard it is to stop yourself going back there. You have done a great job raising your kids. It now "Lil's" time. You go girl and find a rainbow x x x

    1. You sent me this message last year dear, sweet Berni, and I appreciate it as much today as I did then. Always grateful for your loving words of encouragement, Berni. x x