Writer's Block... Writer's Block... Writer's Block...

That's what I imagine muttering all day if I were a writer with, well... writer's block.  Good news, then.  I am not a writer.  I'm a... hmmm.  I don't know what I am, but I do know who I am.  I am someone's wife, mother, daughter, sister, auntie, friend.  Jeepers, that does sound very much like what you'd find on a gravestone, doesn't it?  *shudder*  Actually, I'm not even sure if that friend one applies.  I see no friends.

Let's see... I guess I could say I'm a car singer, a food eater, a movie watcher, a typist, an imagineer - no, I think that's a Disney thing.  So, let's say, imaginer,  goer-of-when-things-get-tough, a sayer (Is that even a word?) of, "What you think about, you bring about." A maker-up of words.  Oh yeah, I've always thought myself an "idea person."  Problem.  All these great ideas come to me when I'm either driving, in the shower, or doing something which does not allow me to take the time to make notes, draw sketches, or do research.  For instance, I have an idea for a design to assist individuals who use walkers.  I have some ideas for jewelry design.  Oh, something else I've always wanted to do is create a suitable-for-everyone program about.... hmmm.  Sorry, my secret.

There are things I'd like to learn, like, play guitar, piano, drums!  I wish I were a good singer.  I'd love to be in a play - my "acting career" ended in the sixth grade.  I had so much fun doing school plays.  I loved to dance, and wish I had done ballet.

See, now I've gotten all wishy.  I'm a dreamer; a feeler.

I want to be a writer, but the only way I could see that happening is doing it as part of a team.  So, I don't much get writer's block, it's more like writer's lonelies.  Is that a word?

It's Crunch Time... No Pressure

Is it crunch time? Seems everything has gone well beyond that stage in my world.  So then, what comes directly after crunch time, hmm? Wait, don't tell me, I think I know - Whistle blown.  Time's up. Goose cooked.  Done deal. Light's out.  Party is over. Good night, Marie!

I could be wrong about that then, right?  After all, I am still standing* here.  There really should be no reason whatsoever for me to ever feel under pressure.  I don't do anything! Whatever my responsibilities are do not warrant an ounce of anxiety.  Also, I don't go anywhere!  I am home day in and day out, and when not home, I'm in my car.  There is no excuse for me to be late or unprepared for anything... no excuse.

There was a time - when I was single - that you could count on me to be on time; do my job accurately and expeditiously; stick to a rigid schedule, yet have ample time open for fun.  I made it work, kept things uncomplicated, and stress free as possible.  At least that's how I remember it.  Twenty-five years gone by, and you could look up the words unreliable, procrastinator, and schlub, and I'm pretty sure you'll find my pictures for each entry. Gosh I hope not, what a blow that would be!

Once again, no excuse.  There is no excuse for this even if I'm no longer single. All that conditioning should have been the foundation to build upon after marriage and starting a family.  But, oh yeah. I just remembered... those crummy chronic illnesses that sucker punched me almost as soon as my new life began.  I was always needing help when I was feeling poorly. I never knew when I'd wake up to a "good" day, a "bad day, or a "can't get out of bed day."  As a result, I am now terrible at establishing a daily routine.  I was able to manage pretty well while my children were very young, and I was fortunate enough to rely on the fact that they could work as a team to make getting ready for school stress free.  They displayed amazing trust in each other, strength and perseverance all in the name of keeping mom healthy.  I am overjoyed at how since they were very young children, they've come to my aid when it came to grocery shopping and storage when we returned home.  They still do it to this day, for which I am most grateful.

As for their momma, these days it is often that I arrive at a scheduled appointment out of breath due to having to run from my vehicle to place I'm supposed to be at whatever specific time.  Anytime I try to make a plan to do something, I get distracted and all my ideas just fall by the wayside. Energy wanes, and I'm left disappointed.  I so want to be better, especially now that I'm at the age that responsibilities should be uncomplicated and managable.  So what gives, right?

Why am I often stressed out!? This pressure, it's all self imposed. There is no reason why I should be so hard on myself.  People are getting where they need to be on time. And it is a rare occurance when, as today, I am late to work or school pick up.  Most days, meals are ready at a reasonable hour, and light snacks are usually at hand in case there's a slight delay, but for some reason I think I should be doing a better job staying on task.  I probably should just be happy with the way things are, after all, it could be worse.  My biggest regret is not being able to keep the house cleaner and better organized.  Must try harder.

The term "crunch time" will have new meaning at my house... "Time for a crunchy snack."  A "no pressure" attitude shall be the norm.

My blog post will be the exception.  There's kind of a rush when I notice the time and it's 11:40 pm and I still have to proofread and edit my post.  Sometimes it's after 11:50 when I hit "Publish." and hope someone will read my writings of the day, and maybe find that a comment or two are awaiting my responses.  I love when that happens.

How do you handle pressure? What works for you to find balance on a day-to-day basis?  Are you feeling stressed at the thought of seasonal holidays quickly approaching?  How easy is it for you to ask for assistance when things get "crunchy?"

Winging It

This post is a perfect example.  I came up with the title,"Winging It," a couple of days ago, intending to wing it.  Instead, I'm dragging.  Fact is, I dragged myself out of bed to write.  Yeah, winging it... I think not.

In the past I had a daily routine.  Now, I'm winging it?  When I think of wings, naturally, I imagine flying.  I'm so not flying right now.  It's more like time is dragging. Worse, like I'm being dragged around by those quail and roadrunners that I encounter every time I pull out of the driveway... it doesn't feel good.  In actuality, it is I who is dragging. I have to drag myself here, or there, but mostly, drag myself out of bed... this is bad. Having zero plan is a problem.

I could place blame on economics. I could resent the fact that my body doesn't work the way it should. But you know what, I'm gonna just admit, I cannot do change. I do not like change... never have. I wish I were more like my kids. I suppose this is supposed to be a gentler, less hectic phase of life, after all...

THIS IS FIFTY.

I think I'm doing it wrong.

Until tomorrow ~ Lil

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This post is written for Day 2 ~ Creating Memories with August 2014 NaBloPoMo

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