Man, talk about timing. Tears cannot be stopped today. Feelings of worthlessness, overwhelming guilt at not being able to do anything to help my family out of financial pit of hell, hating pathetic example of marriage my kids are living with... but mostly, dying inside dealing with the fact that I've pretty much f*cked up their lives. That's where I was today when I stopped at the postbox.
I've just about reached that all time low of fear, desperation and loathing when this comes in the mail:
A huge manila envelope from the high school containing E's Student Performance Reports from last year's CSAP. Writing, Reading, Science, Mathematics... Overall Performance Level: Advanced. Top shelf. ~ Thanks E for always doing your best in school; love that you make school a better place for everyone around you with your wit and charm. You do that at home too.
Second giant manila envelope from College Board's Advance Placement Program contained AP SCHOLAR Award for Ms. S, distinguishing her as part of a unique group of students worldwide who have successfully completed rigorous series of college-level courses and exams. ~ Your amazing brain astonishes me; your hard work and diligence will bring you great success. I love that your dream is to be a teacher. I love the memories of when you were a tiny child saying "When I grow up I'm going to be a mommy, a ballerina and a teacher."
Glad R.J. wasn't in too big a rush to get home to eat after work, and said yes to picking up the mail. He's been so lovely, giving over his paychecks from part-time job at the bookstore so that we could have food and gas. ~ I love your unselfish ways buddy. Thanks for being okay with me spilling my guts when I could no longer contain my sadness today. I love you, son, you are a good man.
I'm so proud of my kids and love them so much. Please keep them in your prayers.