Thursday, September 25, 2014

September 25, 2014... End Of Month Update

Here it is, the last week of September... and here we are.  My blog postings about Roald Dahl books & movies have been put on hold as I try to get a handle on "stuff."

It's weird. Or more accurately, a conundrum, in similar vein as, "What came first, the chicken or the egg?" I'm talking about mental illness.  Here's what I mean.  I love to read.  I have always loved to read, and before I learned to read, I loved being read to.  I also love watching movies.  I love escaping into a good story.  I love sitting back and absorbing a riveting tale.  Anything that makes me laugh, I relish wholeheartedly.  As with engaging discussion or meaningful conversation, reading and movie viewing make my brain happy. Okay, so not as much my brain, but me.  I'm happy when it seems my brain is functioning properly.  My brain has been stuck for a while and now anxiety has set in.  Or did anxiety present itself first?  I don't know.   See... chicken  or egg?

My brain is not at it's optimal functioning mode at the moment; hasn't been for a few weeks now.  "Optimal" being relative due to the fact that chemical imbalances in my brain require taking medication.  Most of the time this medication is effective and efficient.  But there are those times when my brain just does not seem to want to stick with the program. I'm not sure what triggers this; I don't like it.  It makes it difficult to feel comfortable in my own skin.  And how my body presents that is with bouts of depression and anxiety.  That's where I am now.

My blogging has come to a halt, all interest in reading and movie watching has ceased, and my YouTube channel activity is non-existent, no matter how much brainstorming and planning I've done.  The worst part, though, is finding that no matter what I say or do, someone either becomes annoyed or dismissive towards me.  I don't like how I feel when this happens so I start to shut down.

Maybe it's the seasonal change.  But I doubt that because it still seems it's the height of Summer and temperature is still passing the hundred mark.  The calendar might say Autumn, and my entire being might long for an opportunity to enjoy the outdoors, but all I can do is wait. Wait, for the first day that the air conditioner no longer hums all day and night.  Wait, for the first chill in the night's air.  Wait, for a reason to smile.  Wait.

So, until I come out of this self-imposed cocoon state, I'll resign myself to the fact that this is how things are and all I can do is go about day-to-day tasks on automatic pilot, try to fade into the background while doing everything possible not to bother those around me.

Yeah, that's where I am now.

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