Someone asked how I was doing today...

So I told them.

UPDATE:

HI! Thanks for asking. Missing better days. But, on an up note, haven't had anxiety attacks or severe bipolar episode in a few weeks; however PMDD is back full force coupled with possible pre-menopause nonsense, leaving me weak & exhausted (have had two periods w/ daily spotting in between over past four weeks).  Currently in the market for walking cane, but seriously considering acquiring a snazzy wheelchair. P.S. fibromyalgia stinks! Also, missing health insurance.

OH! But great news... our girl is going to out East to school - got generous scholarships and merit awards, so will only have small amount in student loans - Good, because her dad's still unemployed... 18 mos. now. He's re-started job search, including looking on north east coast.  At this point, he should have left us for North Dakota by now, and I'll admit, stress about him leaving us again was starting to become difficult to cope with... the idea of me alone here caring for the kids and dogs, but this time without any kind of proper health management, was very scary.

Another thing I'll admit is, it also makes me angry.  I hate that suddenly it makes perfect sense to go to another state to try to start up a restaurant - something he hasn't had experience in for over 25, maybe 30, years!  My thoughts go to "Why the hell didn't he try harder after being laid off to do everything he could to support us... Do whatever he could to prevent dire circumstances we are in now?"  To me it seems he just doesn't care.  But, I have no idea his rationale.  To avoid argument, I don't ask.  For now, restaurant thing has been pushed back, leaving us to focus on our girl's high school graduation, proceeding with bankruptcy, and house foreclosure.

The End

Period.

*6355

One more day...

March 31st sounds like as good a day as ever to end this.  Started this blog last March, no point continuing...  never did figure out what  exactly I was attempting to accomplish here.

So, I gave it a shot; now I'm done.

Done.

Don't bother reading further.... there's nothing here.

Forcing myself to sit here and try to come up with something to write... just write - or, maybe, more like type... because really, I've got nothing.  Seems life's at some sort of standstill... or maybe more like lull.  There's stuff on the horizon to deal with, but day-to-day, not so much.

So what's been up since Not Fabulous February panic-attack-appalooza ended?  Well, let's see.  You know we finally took care of pressing torture that came with un-filed income taxes from when the hubs worked out of the country (and we weren't sure what the hell to do).  Four years... done!  Thanks H & R Block.  I slept for 14 hours straight the next night after signing tax forms.  Was never so happy to sign my name.

So naturally, what I did after my collapse into March 11th sleep marathon, when I couldn't keep my eyes open to watch the much anticipated 2nd season premier of one of my favorite t.v. shows, Bob's Burgers, was try to catch up on sleep.  But first I was bummed; my son and I had been waiting forever for the program's return and were really looking forward to laughing our heads off at the absurd attics of this bonkers cartoon family.  I sat down to first watch The Simpsons, but was out like a light before opening theme song ended.  Nobody touched me to try to wake me... I slept half-sitting, dressed, propped up against my pile of super flat pillows and folded blankets I normally spread out to sleep on each night.

(To be continued.)

Big changes ahead...

Okay... so, for sure, one of us is off to ND, another must choose between TX, VT, NY or VA... and the rest of us... who knows?

A little bit o' normal

Can that be?

(To be continued)

Tick-Tock

Now that he has free time... and our days together are numbered... I'm gonna make the hubs walk w/ me to Whole Foods tomorrow morning.

It's me, right?

I know it's me.  It's always me.

So, what am I talking about?  Well, I'm sure The Hubs stopped job searches the moment he decided to take up offer to join friend's venture to open restaurant.  But here's the thing... he still spends the day upstairs.  I guess I make rotten company.  So I go about my day, alone... but not.

Marriage, huh...

I've always thought it was supposed to mean Love, Honor & Cherish... but honestly, seems it's more like tolerate, follow, and endure.

Having a hard time getting a grip on oncoming changes and challenges.

Just when I thought it was over...

Today, so far, is proving to be shaping up to be just another spirit crushing day.

Off...

Feeling like a snail without it's shell... or more like the shell without it's snail.  Oh well.

On an upnote... finally got a proper professional haircut!  Thanks Jenna... love you!

The day the blogging ends...

... might be today.  We'll see.

But until then...  Had another successful night of restful sleep.  Problem:  Waking up early.  Now there's more time for worry to settle on my already overloaded mind.  Struggling as abandonment issues begin to resurface as steps in this family's journey begin to pick up pace.

On an up note, hating myself a tiny bit less on this day when I have decided to resume my family's recycling practices.  You see, life became so overwhelming a year ago that at some point I decided separating cans, plastic, glass and cardboard from household rubbish became too great a challenge.  I died a little inside every time in went one - out of hundreds probably - Diet Coke can.  But today, that changes.  Next week's waste pick-up will find 2 green bins, one with cardboard/paper, one with cans/plastic/glass, and I will breathe a sigh of relief as WM truck hauls it all away.

Thanks for stopping by.

Happy Pi Day...

A lot of things are happening that I did not even imagine remotely possible.  What is that, Kismet? Karma?

Also,  I don't want to ruin their reputation, but the lawyer we met with today was really, really nice!  Anyone who can send me off with a smile on my face after seeing me in sobs within five minutes of  meeting me is A-okay.

After last night...

I'm pretty sure I'll begin to fear sleep time.  Uncontrollable anxiety and unmanageable stress made it absolute hell.  Overcome by the complexity and measure of uncertainty that lies ahead... and I just can't cope with it sometimes.  So, weekend high at end of tax ordeal has deflated at thought that next phase - foreclosure and bankruptcy - is upon us.  And following all that... who knows.

Excited, Worried, Scared, Nervous...

as to what the future holds.

No Matter...

Sure we may have had reason for peace of mind in the area of finances, but there's still the matter of my mind. I'm sick, will always be sick, but without proper care, any and all good news will be hampered by my struggles with illnesses, and all I need for proof of this is an attempt to have a good night's sleep.

So I haven't slept much, but at least I can wake up without burden of un-filed taxes.  Actually, short discussion with the hubs opened to idea of this:

• Things are moving along here for us. Finally had our taxes done (4 yrs worth) and found out we had returns each year! So now we're talking about possibility of relocating back to TX - renting a small apartment or house.  And, naturally, I focus on the kids and wonder how high school's are doing out there? Are kids in good shape, academically speaking?  E will start 10th grade in the fall. If we move anywhere I still would like her to go somewhere kids aren't bat-sh!t crazy. I love that she has tons of Mormon friends here - nobody dates until 16, which is our rule - so she doesn't feel pressure. We did love all our friends and neighbors in TX & CA, and we think my living somewhere familiar where there's lots of nature would be best for me. R would be happy to go to Lone Star college too, and hopefully be able to transfer to B&N in TX. And our girl, S... well, maybe, just maybe, she can make that decision to attend one of the universities which have accepted her to study teaching.  I'm going to check Great Schools website.

*****

So, why all this talk about relocating?  It's just what resulted from possibility of this:

• Knowing his unemployment benefits will soon cease, the hubs is seriously considering joining in his childhood friend's business venture opening a diner in oil boom town in Montana or one of the Dakotas - to work; no $ for investing. He will have final word about restaurant lease next month and would want the hubs to join him in May. Of course, everything is still in limbo, and I'm just glad that we'll be able to finally retain an atty for bankruptcy filing.  Fact of matter is, the house is in foreclosure, but we are hopeful we can be here until our girl graduates on May 21st. Also way, way relieved that we can afford to store our stuff - I wasn't looking forward to doing yard sales to try to sell off the rest of our stuff. I get especially sad at saying goodbye to sentimental items. Anyway... we just started talking about possibilities. Tax meeting yesterday was such a huge weight off; never been happier to sign my name! I was wishing we could take a road trip to see grandma in California or head out to The Woodlands for the girls Spring Break in a couple of weeks, but if there's a chance we may be moving back, I'm more than happy to wait. I just want to be able to afford to rent a small apartment or house and be back among the trees... for the rest of my life.  Not to mention, Easter service at St Anthony of Padua Church would be heaven.

Wish me luck. Wish us luck..

Last March 10th I asked for a miracle...

I think we kinda got one today....  (To be continued)

*shouted post*

I WISH I HAD SOMETHING GOOD TO SHARE, ALREADY.

Yeesh!

Waiting and waiting...

... and waiting to hopefully share some good news.  Thought I'd have that to share yesterday, but meeting with tax preparer had to be rescheduled until Saturday - guy was sick.  I am so anxious to close out this stressful, burdensome ordeal.  So, look for Saturday evening blog post... but, also, please keep fingers crossed for us that best possible outcome be reached.

Same old not-so-good-news; yesterday was 16 months that husband's been unemployed.

*sigh*

Zip... Zero... Nada...

Don't have a blog post in me today.  I do have piles of filing to get going on - earlier effort brought to a halt at lunch.  So now there's beginnings of sorted piles on the kitchen island, in addition to piles of random stuff on both sides of my desk... then, there are drawers full... and more boxes...  I should stop.

Well what do you know...

I actually wanted to get up today.  I didn't mind waking up at 7:14 am.  I was happy to have the hubs come join me downstairs, even though there was nothing on television and I had already decided to turn on my notebook to see if there was anything good to read on the interwebs.  He lay down on my "bed" while I sat and explored the web.  I even scratched his back!  What... wait a minute... Who is this person, seemingly happy to just be.

Just a couple of days ago, life's struggles were leaving me feeling very bad... very bad, indeed.

Then this morning I tweet this:  Wow, February was a bitch. Dear March, thanks for starting out on a gentler note. One mountain of stress down, 4 - 5 more to go. #BringIt

If you are clueless about why I'd be calling February a bitch, you might find out  HERE  or  HERE

We had an appointment with tax preparation guy yesterday afternoon.  I was pretty upset and already had shed tears while driving there because, the hubs had been updating me on our girl's college plan. We've been beyond happy with her acceptance letters last month, including merit awards, from a few of the schools she applied to.  But as he talked on and on, informing me of amount of federal financial aid she qualified for, I began to acknowledge the unlikelihood that she will even be able to achieve her dream of going off to college after graduating high school in May.  She, like her brother before her, had worked so hard and done their very best in the area of academic studies.  So I feel shattered and a failure as a parent that we are not able to provide them with college educations - even after merit awards and financial aid.  Hell, we are barely able to put food on the table to feed them, much less come up with balance of whatever costs aren't covered in awards.  I was dreaming.  I don't want her dreams dashed.  I live with enough heartbreak that our incredibly bright boy had to abandon dream of attending film school.  Actually, this, I think, is my greatest heartbreak ever (even more than living with devastation of having incurable chronic illnesses)...  not being able to give my kids what they deserve and help them achieve their goals.

So, of course, I'd be wiping away tears as we arrived at tax office, right?  All that cause for celebration with each acceptance letter in the mail, phone calls... then impending feeling of doom with each hint of awareness that it just doesn't look like college is going to happen for another one of our kids... more proof for my calling February a bitch wouldn't you say?  I took a breath and in we walked to wait to be called.

*****

And so, let me explain why I'm appreciating gentle ease these first days of March, with this recent Facebook post that I shared with my family and friends:

• You know how you've kept us in your loving thoughts, hoping for only the best for us... well this happened today: It took nearly six months, but we finally saved up enough money to pay for tax preparation (Remember we tried yard sales?) Everyday, for years I've been stressed by fact that taxes had not been filed (including from Rick's old job). Prison a possibility. We knew foreign country taxes were paid but not sure if American taxes were still owed. I was guessing we would still owe well over a lot of money. We got a call a while after returning home from H&R... weight of world lifted in the way of tax relief - no taxes owed. Now only another 3 or 4 weights of the world to go - jobs, financial restoration, relocation, college for S & R please be near. Thanks for keeping us in your hearts and minds.

Oh, and bankruptcy!  Now that we've taken care of taxes we can move on to unpleasantness (but necessity) that is filing bankruptcy.  It's going to take us much longer than six months to raise the estimated $4,000 though.  On with our nightmare that is trauma of 1+ year jobless and all that comes with it.  Just hope we are able to do it with a roof over our head... idea of sorting through paperwork living out of our car does not sound too appealing.  Better me than you, right?

I feel bad

I feel bad because I'm forgetting how to be... simply, be.  I'm forgetting the value of a good laugh.

So what's different from last year?  Last year was this... March 2nd ~ Too Much Stuff To Worry About .  This year...  doing all I could to keep from crying as I sit  here.

Last year I had some fight in me and I think I just remembered why... my boy needed me.  He needed me to see him through the tough time he was struggling with.


(TO BE CONTINUED.)

First Anniversary

Today marks second of my blogs that's hit a year anniversary. (First one was deleted a few weeks back.)  When I started writing this one I never imagined this:  Can't believe I was stupid enough to think Rick would have found work by now, or that we would even still be in this house - I refer to it as squatting because, after all, haven't made the mortgage payment in over a year. I really hate this waiting game, although thankful bank has not thrown us out; I know exactly what that's going to be like, except this time without the luxury of us being rescued by a new job and place to go, complete with $20,000 hiring bonus, relocation and housing allowance - like happened with Hawaii move.  It will be all the more devastating. The memory of how things went in Texas last time around shatters my heart over and over again.  Anyway, I'll try to keep the blog going although, I no longer know which way is up, and have trouble stringing two proper sentences together. Even short emails to the kids teachers seem like torture.

That's all

Last year....

... when I started this blog, I thought maybe I'd lend voice and/or shed light on plight of Americans facing uncertainty due to joblessness and all circumstances that come with it.  A year later, come to realize, really, who the %&*# cares?

Also, these days, I'm finding my time is better spent reading blogs, than writing one.

Not to mention, mental and emotional collapse, and especially anxiety attacks, not at all helpful.

Besides, most days I go around in a disoriented fog.

It's windy, I'm cold...

Still haven't recovered from Saturday's all-night panic attack-appalooza.  Not a fun time.

Hope you're good.

A Most Unusual Day

Woke up feeling poorly.  My mind may never be right again as I don't expect to ever resume treatment for my illness, but also, stress from having broken a molar Saturday night has left me tense and anxious. It's normal for me to be on the verge of tears upon opening my eyes each morning.  Many times, I wake up feeling as if I cried during sleep throughout the night.  It's exhausting.

So seemed strange and don't know why he did it, but when I woke up this morning, put on my glasses and grabbed the remote control to turn on the tv to watch the Live! with Kelly show, I saw the hubs carrying his pillows and sleeping bag from his room, downstairs. He came down to watch the show in the living room with me.  Hardly spoke a word to each other, but there he was in the same room.   He even stayed in the room when the show ended and I switched the channel to CNN.  I tossed him the remote, and he flipped it to a show he watches.  Most unusual.

Usually, I don't see him for any significant amount of time until after 3:00, then it's only for a total of about a half hour, including dinner.  He keeps to the bedroom.  I rarely go upstairs - mainly for a much needed shower. That's our new normal.

By 11:00 am, the hubs was downstairs again... this time to fix some lunch. He heated leftovers. The kids are home for Presidents Day, so it was nice that he did that

*****

You know what I miss most about the old days... being able to do stuff.

Mission Accomplished

One of the funniest/hardest-to-please people I know just found something I wrote funny... AND in 50 words or less!

Here it is...

• Old, charming me used to be able to keep small-talk with perfect stranger for an hour and not want it to end. Today, crushed Safeway cashier with three little words, dour reply, "You're bagging it," when she sweetly asked if we "were doing anything special tonight?" *Frozen food delights. :-\

Happy St. Valentine's Day?

Puzzling...

... the stupid things I find myself doing.

For instance, putting recipes in the drawer.  I like to cook, and when I find a suitable recipe - one I think everyone in the house might enjoy - I print it out.  So I have sheets and sheets of recipes I've found online.  All of them good too.  But this is what I thought was pretty dumb today.  I found a random one on the ironing board set up in the front room (we use conjoined formal living/dining room as a catch-all of crap I have no idea what to do with, or donatables) and I picked it up, came into the kitchen and dropped it in the recipe drawer.  I seriously doubt I'll ever make it or any of the other recipes again, but to be sure, it was delicious... baked crab cakes with lemon mustard!

Regardless, pretty sure it should have gone straight into the rubbish bin... like everything else.

And don't even get me started on why I'm still keeping the houseplants alive.  *Did throw one away this morning... neglected to water it, I guess.

Other stupid things I catch myself saying/doing:

Using the words hope, pray...

Packing day....

...but, what, really is the point?  We have nowhere to go from here.

And by "packing," I mean packing Christmas decorations.  That's right, Rick and the kids decided to bring a few decorations up from the basement last December to make the house festive, despite the fact that life is not.  I think I'm still actually missing lingering scent from traditional fresh cut tree.  Usually, scent would still be wafting from vacuum cleaner.  Did the t.v. room yesterday... Nothing.

So today is "take down" day.  Actually, every weekend (or days kids have had off from school) has been given that designation for the last month and a half - but nothing yet.  I'm not going to do it.  Too painful.  Plus, it makes more sense to me to try to sell my collectible Santas and Dept 56 stuff to raise funds for my girl.  She's had two college acceptances in the last two weeks and we are hopeful scholarships and grants will cover full tuition.  There are still fees we have to figure out how to cover, including travel expenses, and like I said, it just makes sense to sell everything we can.  Too bad there isn't much value to anything we own.  But something is something.  I told my daughter that I hope she's okay with my idea.  Must do what we can.

After all, the way I see things, Christmas 2010 was goodbye to family Christmases as we had known them.  And I honestly believe I'll never see these Christmas treasures ever again.

*****

DONE...

Sorry...

I didn't want to be "this" mom... one who's looks a mess every day, smell bad every day, is a useless lump of a person every day.

Sorry kids.

So, what happens now...

It's been a year exactly since the last time we were able to make a mortgage payment on our home loan.  I remember terrible stress of a year ago... lots of friends and family coming to our rescue through April, when some relief came in the way of unemployment benefits for Rick... we could keep utilities on with that!  And, R.J. finding part-time work at Barnes & Noble last June was a godsend... now we could keep the car and buy more food.

With foreclosure eviction looming, I'm now trying to wrap my head around the fact that this house needs to be sorted through... get rid of stuff, donations of clothes and books mostly.  Also, it needs a thorough cleaning.  That's what I'm doing now, dusting and scrubbing areas that have been neglected over this last economically depressing, spirit crippling year.

It's one of those days....

I'm doing everything possible to keep from breaking down in sobs.  I don't need it, anyone around me doesn't need it, the kids - when they come home from school or work - certainly don't need it... But I can't help it.   I'm broken and lonely and have nowhere to go with this.  Life's a bitch and it's relentless beatings are breaking me.  So here I am back at blogging.  I need to get stuff out, and apparently, I don't give a damn who stops by to "visit" my shitty, depressing blog.  Plus, I think I've stopped giving a damn what people may think of this family's current circumstances.

The day actually started off well enough, woke up with a cold.  That's good because all weekend, since hearing about Doug's illness and sudden passing, I had developed a pinching sensation in middle of my upper chest that was getting worse at night. So waking up with a cold was a relief - hoping it was just chest congestion... although, I'm still feeling some tightness.  Also, disturbing that I'm trying to convince myself, "It's not a toothache" I've had for over a week... just some sort of mouth irritation - It'll go away in a couple of days, just like this cold, right..........  That's not working

I really don't need health concerns piling up on lack of money concerns.  Having a hard enough time navigating through bouts of depression and panic attacks.  See, Doug was Rick's former boss, mentor, but most importantly, friend.  Hearing he was ill - so severely ill - sent me in a panic for his family.  I was hoping they were no longer in our situation:  no job, no health insurance.  Last I heard, he had started a job with an insurance company (interestingly enough, those are the types of jobs my husband keeps getting emails about).  Doug had been out of work as long as Rick, but had tried starting up a company and eventually took the insurance job.  I was praying he had insurance coverage and restored finances "in the event."  I still don't know what their current circumstances are... praying their burdens were lightened as they face saying goodbye to Doug.  He was such a great guy.

*****

So on top of that... the edgy - buzzy - all over sensation I have most of the time lately makes me uncomfortable and scared.  You wouldn't get it, so I won't even try explaining it...just another one of those mental illness problems, made worse with worry about stupid stuff only important to me.

*****

Disappointed he didn't try his best to keep this from happening to us.  Frustrated I could be of no help in easing burden.  I've failed my kids.  I can't stand the uncertainty anymore... the not knowing.  I need things packed up, cleaned out and him to go wherever he's able to find help taking care of the kids needs.  I need to move on to the nothingness of whatever is out there for me.  I have no connection to him, he has no obligation to me,  my love for my kids only wants for them to have shelter, food and care; for them to understand my not being with them is for the good.  I need peace of mind, even if it means living on the street.

*****

Past couple of hours of crying has worn me out.  I think I'll try to sleep now.

Working on

From your lanai on Lanai, I'll never forget us all stopping whatever we were doing, to share in amazement, those wonderful "green spark" sunsets, or gazing at the Milky Way galaxy floating against black, velvety Hawaiian night skies.  And how could I ever forget that dreaded, unending fog drip among the Cooke Island pines. You will always have a special place in this family's hearts.

You were a mentor, a friend; an Andrew Zimmern look-a-like, and one of the funniest people I've ever met... a super, nice guy.  Thank you for always being so good to us. Love you as big as Texas.

We'll miss you, Doug

In memory of Doug

Working on this...  Sadness overwhelms.  Bothered that I can't get it together well enough to write a proper message about this dear, sweet and gentle man.

Very sad.


My Twitter tribute to Doug:

#DougTribute...and thank you, Doug, for recognizing in Rick he had it in him to move from lowest rung to CS VP

#DougTribute...  I'd like to believe I gave you a favorite birthday gift: @joshgroban cd; Sarah's fave too. Thanks for sharing your great taste in music.

#DougTribute  So in tribute, loving memory; for all you've meant to this family... @joshgroban's Thankful  youtu.be/SSKIVf0hSn0

#DougTribute #bestfunever: When met with obstacles... "GET THE MANUAL! GET THE MANUAL!!" #RangeRoverAdventures#MunroTrail

#DougTribute. Never laughed harder than when in your family's company. Dominos will forever be my favorite game.

#DougTribute. Thanks for introducing me to sushi in most gorgeous of settings, Manele Bay terrace, as spinner dolphins played.

Today's weather

DONE

Thanks for stopping by this week US, Russia, Sweden, Germany, Malaysia, Australia, Brazil but my blogging days are OVER.

2012 ~ Into Week Four

The numbers so far:

As of yesterday, spent a total of three hours, maybe four, out of the house... a whopping 20 minutes last week alone - bank & car wash run.  Three weeks in, most days spent in pajamas; last week, 6 1/2 days in p.j.s.

Laundry loads last week: 3 (normal is 15+ per week).

Meals prepared last week:  Too embarrassed to admit; maybe, one.  Five days of ramen noodles lunch.

More 2012 numbers:  About 30 minutes on phone; last week's total, about 5 minutes saying hi to mom.  Five minutes first week with someone from Anderson show , and 15 minutes spilling my guts to the hub's best friend in week two.

2012 ~ Week Three...

Today's wake up worries:  heartache about thought of girls going into foster care when we are removed from this house.

No more dreaming...

My dream from age five was to be a wife & mother, as well as a writer, when I grew up. My ambition from age seven was to make it out of East Los Angeles, which wasn't as hard to do as I thought. In my 20's I did some "growing up" in Tustin, Santa Ana, and Irvine, CA., eventually going on to live in California's Coachella Valley. It was there that I got married and started a family like I had always dreamed. I met my husband in 1990, and we were married in 1991. Our babies came very early in our marriage and have filled us with joy ever since. I've been married to the same guy for 20 years; we have three lovely children. This has been the longest and most rewarding and challenging thing I've ever done. We began life together in Palm Desert, CA and La Quinta, CA. Job opportunities have taken us to live in The Woodlands, TX, Lanai City, HI and Highlands Ranch, CO. Today, I enjoy developing stories and have written one children's book. Looking to the future, I hope to be a published author someday and I hope to get there by staying the course developing stories and writing, writing, writing.

*****

Dreams die.

A HOW-TO GUIDE TO LETTING GO... LETTING GO... LETTING GO

WITH DOG AS MY WITNESS - actually two dogs: For 2012, one disabled American housewife's best effort to describe abject and utter failure in midst of trying to manage life, coping with untreated bipolar disorder and chronic illnesses, while caring for three bright and wonderful teenagers who make life worth living - praying I haven't ruined their lives forever simply because I am their mother. ~ Oh, and Jan 2012 makes 14 mos. husband jobless.

End...

of story.

Alone...

... but not really, I'm rarely alone.  So I guess it would be more accurate to say, lonely.

Caution...

Rough patch.  Not doing great.  Yesterday was difficult; today is harder.  It actually might be day three of fall from precariously "holding on" through life off of my meds mode.  So on top of feeling very sad, I'm getting more worried and scared.  The last time it was bad was last October .

Must try my best to shield my tears from kids.

Excuse my language, but.....

Fuuuuudge!  No.  I have to be honest here.  F*CK!  So frustrated and discouraged.  Why?  Because, husband and I happened to be in the same room, at the same time right now.  So, while he prepared breakfast, I thought I'd ask if he had thought anymore about calling a friend of ours who had sent message of possible job opportunities (which provide on-the-job-training) he knew of that Rick might be interested in looking into.  His answer, "Ummm... maybe."  He said it with as much enthusiasm as when he answered, "Are you with us or without."  * Remember, from the other day? *  It is so not "All right, then."

Someone's trying to help and he's shrugging it off!  Last week I learn that his online job search has  become even more of a challenge as it seems he is now less qualified due to fact that many job postings  ask for social media and apps experience that companies look for now.  So now, on top of his industry being almost non-existent; his position seemingly obsolete, because he has no college degree, AND he's been unemployed for more than a year (not to mention, has gaps and company changes, and been laid off three times in last ten years), chances are all the more slim of him finding work anytime soon.  Throw in whatever a credit check reports and forget about it.

This is bad.

Very, very bad.

*****

Not long afterward, his friend calls with business proposition: starting catering business in oil boom town areas of Montana or Dakotas.  Hmmm... now I'm back at fuming.  We have nothing.  Less than nothing.  We are $25,000+ delinquent on mortgage, about another $25,000 worth of debt in collections.  Add those two up and probably total what we owe in back-taxes.  We can't afford medical attention....and most importantly, we have children here to care for... how the hell is he supposed to dash off to start up this business!   Even keeping in mind that the friend who called is one of the nicest guys I've ever met (Nice he and Rick have been best of friends since childhood), I can't help but go a little nuts inside while Rick gives me the low down.

So, I had to remind him of our earlier conversation.  I told Rick to reconsider calling the friend with possible job leads and ask if he knew areas he might advise researching.  I don't know what else to do.


****

Okay, so now I can't let this go... the idea of how would this even be possible?  I've gone over in my head the  whole, "You have my blessing to do whatever you want but part of that deal is we get a divorce."  The only way I see this happening is we somehow have one year worth of his last salary to take care of current finances, and a second year's worth for 2012, and a third year worth to get much-needed work done on the house...has to be done if we expect to sell it.  Finally, he'd need a forth year's worth to find housing and get business started

But, first you have to make all facts clear to your friend.  You know you want to do this, so tell him what our situation is.

Now, while all this is tumbling around in my head, I start to think, "Wow, this would be pretty cool."  They can actually do this, if you put aside all the rest of the depressing mitigating circumstance, they very well may have what it takes to be successful.  For starters, Rick's a hell of a cook, especially short-order style.  Two, they are best of friends and have shared love of fishing and camping... adventure.  Three... IT IS SOMETHING!

So I'm also now brainstorming how would they raise funds; who might invest?  I'm even going over my recipes in my head, of the cheap delicious foods that have been family favorites in these lean years.  For example, I'd call the company that makes the salsa I use for my mexican chile recipes and if they'd consider investing.  I'd call the guy who I helped share his Kickstarter food truck project. Possibilities seem endless. But not.

Not the best day...

Spirits especially low when I dwell on thought that there is nothing that can happen which would immediately improve circumstances.  Lack of motivation to improve situation proves we are not worth the effort; makes me sad.

History of My World Birth to Age 5

I solved a life long mystery yesterday with help from something someone tweeted.  Nothing earth-shattering; it was just a random tweet with link revealing photo and instructions to knit a scarf.  A very cute scarf.  I wished I knew how to knit.  Here's part of the exchange:

knuckle_salad Knuckle Salad 

First post of the year, and it's a quick one! Here's a pattern for the scarf I knitted for my friend@MiddlestSister.knucklesalad.com/njickis-braide…

4 Jan 

lcarilo Lillian Carilo 

@ 

@knuckle_salad @MiddlestSister ~ Sh*t! I don't knit. Adorable!

4 Jan 

knuckle_salad Knuckle Salad 

@ 

@lcarilo @MiddlestSister Knitting is easy! Come to Atlanta, I'll show you.

4 Jan 

lcarilo Lillian Carilo 

@ 

@knuckle_salad @MiddlestSister I think I figured out why my maternal grandmother hated me; She was jealous of my attachment to sister-in-law.... who taught me to read, write, embroider and crochet! 

23 hours ago 

lcarilo Lillian Carilo 

@ 

THANK YOU to @knuckle_salad! You just helped me solve life long mystery. I'd call you; tell you about it, but... well, don't actually know U

*****

So all my life I wondered to myself, "What's the deal with Grandma;  why did she hate me so much?"  And I think I finally figured it out.  There's tons of stuff I could get into, but I'm just going to touch on this... Grandma was probably jealous. 

Also, she didn't know me.  I remember taking family train trip to San Francisco when I was a tiny kid.  While visiting, I remember learning Grandma's favorite cereal was Post Raisin Brand and she liked Tostems.  She lived close to my uncle, but I have no idea where exactly Grandpa lived.  That's where she lived before Grandpa died.  He didn't know me either.  It seems now they each sort of appeared out of nowhere all of a sudden.  Then all of a sudden, Grandpa was dead.   He was brought from who-knows-where to Los Angeles to be buried.

I do remember Grandma present; I'm almost sure it was after Grandpa died. Because I'm pretty sure she stayed with us for a while.  But by that time, seems strong bond with my "Tia Isabel"  had long been established.  Aunt Isabel was Grandpa's sister.  I don't even know if Grandma had any siblings, actually.  But Grandpa had at least one sister - and she was amazing.  A matriarch.  She lived on a ranch.  She grew crops.  She raised 20 children.  She loved me and taught me things.  


By the time my widowed Grandmother came to stay, my aunt had taught me to read the Sunday funnies in Spanish newspaper, how to appreciate the garden that surrounded us where we read the funnies, the importance of eating healthy, and how to keep my hands busy.  By age five I knew how to embroider and crochet... thanks to Tia Isabel.   Someone drove her over an hour to visit maybe every weekend.  When she visited, I felt like I was the center of her world.  She was mine... all mine.  I loved talking with her.  And, I loved the cases of fresh fruit she brought us, grown on her farm... oranges, peaches, nectarines and cantaloupe.  Boxes bursting at the seams.  She knew all my favorites.  


So Grandma came to stay, and now there were loads of grandchildren to focus on.  I don't know if she ever felt a strong connection with any of us kids after relocating to Southern California.  She was probably lonely and sad and lost.  Grandma didn't teach me anything and hardly ever spoke to me.  She had a hard time sharing.  She thought me unpleasant, spoiled and not worth her time of day.  She did have my brave cousin Pearl who came with her from Northern California - Pearl was only 12 at the time.  Grandma suffered from Alzheimer's in the end.  She lived in apartment above ours when it started.  I don't ever remember seeing her happy... truly happy. 


Years and years later, I went up north to visit her where my Aunt Esperanza cared for her.  The last time I saw her smile, she had no idea who I was.  Late stage Alzhiemer's was about to overtake her world. During that visit, my cousin and I were trying to get her to smile for a photo.  She didn't have a clue.  Thinking quickly,  I pointed up and said I saw a bird; asking that she smile for the bird.  She beamed.   I should have known that would do the trick.  She loved birds - she kept finches and canaries way back when, after all.


Aside from her love of birds, I guess I didn't know Grandma either.  Tia Isabel knew me... she was one of my biggest childhood influences.  Grateful, she was there for me when Grandma could not.


So mystery solved... and I'm good with that.


Also, extremely grateful for @knuckle_salad.